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Waiting For My Turn

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Sunday, December 12th, 2010
5:53 am - One Way...
It might be a bit random, yet I found myself thinking about my livejournal as I'm trying to fall asleep. Having my laptop approximately 4 inches from my head was the smallest amount of excuse I needed for putting off sleep once again. I'm very good at it and am certain I suffer from some sleep disorder. Not just by that fact, but other boring details. Writing this feels strangely enjoyable enough that I may actively use my account. Briefly looking at the last entry date it has been 2 years... I'll just say that I was shipwrecked during this period and am actually still lost. The irony of the situation has not passed me by as this was to be the sanctuary I was craving. During this period the amount of satisfying memories are a handful that overwhelmingly are not of the area. I'm dreading almost having to take a trip back to what I consider home. Through the last few years as it's happened the feeling of welcome has been diminishing leaving a subtle impression of annoyance; like of a babysitter who's been kept 2 hours too late. The ability to substantially experience friendship is the only redemption of this endeavor.

current mood: anxious

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Saturday, December 15th, 2007
8:38 pm - So, This Is Blogging
I just got back from Veracruz, Mexico and it was not in my interest to enjoy. I was just along for the ride as it were. It was not a vacation, but I still enjoyed it. I went to some towns tourists don't go and places they probably wouldn't end up. Unfathomably almost every town I was in I liked being in better then where I'm living now. Maybe this town I'm living in is a great place to live, but getting used to it hasn't happened, but it's only been a few weeks. The vibe and climate of Veracruz is what I'm used to living in and it's a shame that I'm reminded of where I'd rather be. Maybe I'll go back again..

62%How Addicted to Blogging Are You?

Looking for payday loan?

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Friday, November 10th, 2006
11:22 pm - Go To Your Happy Place
If I had thought about the things that would happen today, I would have only known one thing. It was my first day of work at my new job selling cars. All the things I would expect to happen occured along with the unknown. I work with my brother on the same shift, but in a different department. Two others began with me and at the end of the day I had nothing to speak of. After work my brother, coworker and I drink at a restaurant for a while and walk over to bevmo. My brother buys the biggest bottle of tequila that he found available (1.75 liters) and we bring it back to his boss. After a little while we head home after watching tv in the lounge for an hour waiting for traffic to go down. At home I see a candle jar of mine broken lying on the counter. The absurdity of any possesion of mine lying in broken shards that would never leave my room but from my own doing is unfathomable. I enter my room and the disarray looks as it was when I scavenged clothes suitable for work. I look at where the glass should have lied and I see plastic, metal, and glass all entangled together in a 5x3 rectangle on top of my television. There is a triangle like indention with a large piece of glass stuck sunken in the plastic. My monitor lies next to my television and from my vantage point; seething in my chair. I can see that piece of glass sticking out!!! Spiting me and infuriating me as to why it would even be possible, but I know as to why. The only possibility is my mother. I call her and I can hear the background noise of whatever function it is she is at and I prod her for an answer of some satisfying proportion. Everything I'm told is a lie. I cuss her out to an infuriating response that's just as prepostures as the first excuse. I hang up to curse the air around me and console the disfigured television I own. She had come into my room and smelled the cinnamon coming from the unlit candle and lit it. She took a shower and left the house for a while. When she had returned there was a strong smell of cinnamon and ran to blow out the candle, but the damage was done and I get flat out lied to. She's not a little kid and she had a whole day to tell me (I know she spoke to my brother and asked about me when I was with him). There wasn't much wax left and the wicks were about done for. I had thought about throwing it out because of it, but I lazily decided next week since my garbage bag was full. I'm not going to hold a grudge although everytime i see that hole I'll get pissed off. Wheres the respect and maturity? With my parents I don't cuss except in casual conversation, so don't take it against me for blowing up on her. If not fuck off I stand by what i did.

current mood: irritated

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Tuesday, October 3rd, 2006
4:18 am - I Lost My Heart
I can't sleep. It's not a problem I have typically, yet in the past 24 hours it is a problem. Alot has happened since I last updated my journal or even remembered its existence. The most obvious is that I'm not employed. I did pick up a temporary job with a friends shop to bring business in for him, but it's hardly going to cover my rent for the month. It's been about 2 1/2 weeks since I quit and it's been enjoyable running my own schedule and waking up at 11:30 at least. Affordability has become an issue and next month I couldn't possibly get away with it. That has never been an issue as to paying bills but I didn't save any money for this occasion. My writing feels like its haphazard and bland to me, oh well I'm rusty and tired. Maybe I can make it to bed now and fall asleep. I wish I was in a bar and I could find Alejandra right now... I wish I had taken more then I gave

current mood: tired

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Thursday, April 27th, 2006
6:05 pm - I haven't gone anywhere
Which 'Reservoir Dogs' character are you?


Mr. White, congratulations!
Take this quiz!

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Sunday, February 26th, 2006
11:57 pm - I Need Some Sort Of Space
Right now I'm in my two bedroom apartment that I share with my brother. Everything is fine with him and me with everything that concerns living together. RIght now I can hear snoring and my grandparents are sleeping in the living room (I'm in here too) and my brother is in his bed and my mom in mine. WTF I hate this. Everythings fine for visiting a little while but overnight stays just don't work and oh the dog is staying too. I probably got too comfortable with the situation before, but apparently my parents are moving back to San Diego and we're all going to be living together somewhere else. My parents stayed here a week; my dad left last tuesday and my mom will continue indefinitely untill we all move-in together. Good I suppose, really only good for my pocketbook as I can hardly live on my own atm. My last few months haven't been good and I feel betrayed by it all and discontent.

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Friday, November 11th, 2005
2:27 pm - Y si no me amas, Nunca me lo digas
Maybe it all caught up with me but I've lost motivation to do anything right now. I'm basically hiding out at work waiting for 5 to come. Last night I was drinking at Ozzie's house then went to Senor Frogs to eat and drink. I've been drinking a bit more lately since sunday when Alejandra sent me a text messege that she was leaving "Cristian ya no te voy a ver porque el miercoles me voy a sonora a trabajar." I felt devastated when I read it and called her a little later to have it said to me. I feel so unsatisfied and can't quite understand what went wrong except for that saurday night. We were both at fault. I knew she was leaving about the middle of the month but her sudden decision to me was unfair in my mind. She said she'd be back for Christmas for a week and leave again for a few months. I've realized that even as unimportant an issue it should be, how important it really is. Knowing that I can't help makes me question what it is that I am doing and yet by not even doing it I may have never known her. We never went as far as we could have gone and I long for it. I hesitated and stopped in another relationship since she had my full attention now it's time to reconsider. Good luck and take care is all I can really say now maybe there will be another chance but that's not the impression she left me as she quickly hung up the phone.




current mood: crushed

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Thursday, September 22nd, 2005
9:32 am - I Can Confirm The Statement
I will elaborate later and edit this post about it

current mood: angry

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Wednesday, September 21st, 2005
9:01 pm
I feel good, not about everything but for the moment until maybe friday or saturday morning. So I made a call to Erika which didn't go the way I had planned and got a 'is it ok if I call you back' after ten minute's on the phone (today I guess she's trying to ignore me). So I continued drinking with my co-workers. After about a half hour we left work and went to Club 13, a dive bar under the I-5 overpass and later headed to TJ. I didn't care and was willing to do something to use as a crutch. I ended up meeting Angelica who I was completely fascinated with. Nothing of anything else mattered. We are going out friday and I know it will be fun. She is a compliment to my personality and it felt good. We're going to go eat and then head to a hotel & spa to hang out. She asked for a gift which I wouldn't typically agree to, but that decision has already been rationalized to see the benefit. Now buying it would be the awkward part.

current mood: optimistic

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Monday, September 19th, 2005
11:32 pm - I'm Just An Actor In This Play
I should be asleep. It's not beyond an hour that I wouldn't be awake. It could just be an illusion I sense, but they all cannot be can they? Why not? No one would be aware or is the world mildly effected enough to prolong any decisive course of action. Procrastinate it's what you've been doing all your life. Where would you be had you not done it then? Which time do you mean? This sickness becomes you, how fitting that any trials you should have are all relative. I'm sitting waiting for a return call that I know will not be recieved tonight or has been... How about some space; I thought that's all we had together. I need an answer. Panic is what I will feel if it comes, and I know I need to initiate it all myself.
Read more...Collapse )

current mood: mixed

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Wednesday, September 7th, 2005
11:19 am - Frozen
I don't know what it is I am doing. I've been fumbling to find a direction and I'm still where I began. Mixed signals, missed oppurtunities, anxiety, fear, and arrogance. They are contributors to my demise.

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Sunday, August 28th, 2005
11:08 pm - Do You Wish To Continue?
I was sitting on the computer and I saw my brother walk into the bathroom and grab my electric razor. He then walks over to me and proceeds to shave me. He had asked me about my moustache earlier and I told him I thought about shaving it soon. I don't have to anymore. It feels strange, kind of tingly. It's cut my appearance in age down. I already look not old enough to get into bars. I leave for Round Rock thursday, I might even get to see Phog o.O This week I only work three days and get a nice plane ride back home on Monday.

current mood: weird

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Saturday, August 27th, 2005
8:46 pm - It's a little bit lonely for me
Seems like I've been neglecting my journal for some time. Nothing intentional, just a temporarily forgotten item in my life. I have found it once again, and I never should have forgotten anyway. I finally finished moving into the apartment with my brother. I need to do a good job and unpack my stuff but from tonight until thursday my parents sticking around and then they'll living in Texas full-time. I'm going to go out there with them and fly back home on Labor Day. I like plane rides and it's a free one for me :) how can I complain and I'll check out Austin. Tonight I'm going to check out Markus Schulz and definitely hear a smokin set. I found out that Armin Van Buuren is going to be out here too. I've been listening to an immense amount of trance and I'm enjoying it. I also started listening to The Dears, great stuff. All I need is courage when i talk to Erika; even as much as I've fucked it up I still have an opportunity

Thursday, October 13, 2005
Armin van Buuren,

current mood: excited

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Friday, July 8th, 2005
10:25 am - Trying To Find Gratification
I couldn't sleep this morning at around 5 am. I caught up with my sleep that I had been denying myself for the past two and a half weeks. I feel good. I watched 'Garden State' to kill the time before work and I really enjoy that movie. I got it from netflicks a few weeks ago and sort of watched it, but fully got to enjoy it. Everyone was asleep in the house and it was just naturally dark. I was still late for work...

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Tuesday, July 5th, 2005
1:03 am - I Would Give It All Up To Be Elsewhere
I've wasted my weekend as is typically normal. Friday was interesting hanging out with co-workers longer than I had anticipated and I felt bad ditching Aaron in the event of it. My brother found a girl at a restaurant a few days ago and was going to hang out with her and her cousin in TJ for her birthday. Mistake and cluster-fuck was what happened. I was his support and there wasn't too much I could do... I kept her off other guys best I could but she was wasted and according to her cousin that's the way she always gets. What advice could I give him, I don't know if he still remains interested, by her actions I would say just ditch her she's not worth any time. As we crossed back across the border she gave her number to some guy. Final Fantasy XI I spent most these weekend playing it, and I don't know wtf for. There's so much stuff I need to do. I need to get another job quick or pick up a second so I can pay rent. Yeah and Erika, well I've been fucking that up since the day we met.

Anyway I had a thought why do girls get a tattoo on their lower back? It's become some fad that I can't ignore. 'It's cute' not to me personally I can tolerate it, but some girls will branch out as they get 'addicted' to tattoo's. It becomes irritable because the same theme they may have put into the first somehow 90% of the time does not keep going. One thing that I did find kind of funny was I met some blonds a while back and I couldn't keep their names straight for whatever reason. I hate repeating names and asking 'whats your name again?' I feel like a jackass. They all had the cute lower back trademarks of this fad. Some big, some small but the basic principle. If it was the last thing in the world I would have thought of doing this was coming close to distinguishing them from one another. If anything get drunk don't remember names and just know it was the one with the small tribal tattoo is the one you need to be concerned or whatever is applicable to your scenario.

current mood: indifferent

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Monday, June 20th, 2005
6:37 pm
I just didn't want to wake up this morning, as I was listening to the news on tv I heard about the Formula 1 race that happened. Wow, that was absurd. Only 6 cars raced in what should have been a great race, but due to safety concerns about the Michelin tires that most teams were using and the fact that the FIA did not want to make any adjustments for the mojrity of the field who run with those tires. They just boycotted the race. Dissapointment and shame is all that can really be said. I worked all weekend at the tent sale and nothing happened, no drama which is extremely unusual. I was a greeter this time and it sucked but whatever. I'm going to leave for Cancun tommorow night at 1 am. I'm not excited about the red-eye flight from Tijuana but the trip should be great. I've never been that far away from home (which doesn't count cross-country trips with my family). The farthest I've gone is Reno, which is still pretty far. I'm trying to buy an mp3 player for the trip and I think I've settled on the Iriver H320 or 340. I tried finding the 340 but it's not in any stores around here, only online which doesn't leave enough time for me to get it.

current mood: excited

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Friday, May 27th, 2005
2:09 pm - Political Spin
This may be a bit old by, but I don't care. I found it and it just made me laugh.

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Saturday, May 7th, 2005
2:05 am - Even If Your Heart Would Listen I Doubt I could Explain
As far as last minute arrangements I have done, I haven't had any better. I got 4 VIP tickets to see Kinky and Julieta Venegas play tonight at UCSD. I couldn't think of anybody that I knew that I could take. I remembered that Laura at the DMV probably might go since we had talked about this type of stuff before so I asked her. She ended up not being able to, but she asked some other people and they were who I would have liked to go with. I never had met Erika before but we both had seen each other, and Leti went too. We had fun even though they showed up late to go to the concert. We only saw the last song Kinky had played and then figured out how to get to the balcony area on the second flor that the VIP passes were good for and had a great view and weren't crowded at all. hanging out at Rock Bottom was cool and I hope we do it again, yet I'd like to spend more time with Ericka and she was giving me that impression. I'm just grateful for the fantastic night I hadn't planned on having.


current mood: optimistic

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Friday, May 6th, 2005
9:38 am
I was scanning the usual headlines and there were reviews for Revenge of the Sith out so I read a few and am anxious to watch the final movie. This was the best review of how the movie IMO giving away few spoilers. Just the way he wrote excited after watching the movie he just poured his emotion into the article. I can't wait

Star Wars Episode III Review


current mood: anxious

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Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005
3:40 pm - Word Of The Day: Indelible
Funny how a simple thing could make anyone feel helpless. The motive behind a rash of decisions were on the behalf of fulfilling myself. As I retreated from a disarrayed encounter I expect a couple times a week. A plan of cessation of invading forces and mutual communication is being considered. I would gladly fight this battle but I feel evermore defeated every time. Experience is lacking and improvisation is minimal and it's becoming even more evident. I will undeniably be crushed without a counter-attack or treaty. Had I known my advantage would have disapated long before this point. Or would surrendering be a better choice...

'I can't find myself, I got lost in someone else'

The Cure


current mood: distressed

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